I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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