I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
