My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
