Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
