I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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