How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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