Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
