yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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