i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
