My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Randomize
