Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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