Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Randomize
