One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
