I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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