imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
