sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
