Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
