I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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