Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
