so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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