I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize