My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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