You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
