I cannot find my penis.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
