It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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