i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
