i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
