I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My bed smells like the plague
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
