you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
