that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
