Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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