cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
