I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
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