I bet he comes in French.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
