I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
