Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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