Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
