..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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