remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
