whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
