This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
