if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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