I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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