I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
