Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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