You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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