are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
