he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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