I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
