2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
