thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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