Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
