Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
